Day!

 today i don't know what i am gonna do-- really...

well maybe bake some brownie and make some clam chowder for jd

heis sick-- i felt bad about it,but again

i don't give a FUCK! if you are sick and gonna throw how suffering you are to me- fuck off!!!

i am your wife,but i don't have to listen to how bad you are sick and you can throw your shit to me becuase you are sick--

sorry,but that isn't an excuse to talk like doucebag to me-

im sorry!!

anyway here was happen yesterday

he decided to get his lovely brat daughter ipod

i understand that a lot of kid these day have it at pretty young age

a lot of them even younger that his brat daughter

but im sure couple things that they have,but we don't have

their kid know how to take care stuffs

their kid has more responsibilites to their that their own and know how to spend time with it

their parent can make at least $3500 a month or more

here is what my family has

a brat that doesn't know how to take care of her stuffs

a brat that say everybody at school have this and a stupid dad that oh well everybody at school have this, let get it

a stupid dad that using his own addicted to game find a reason to buy his daughter so they can play game together

a family that can't even liveto the end of month by month without worry about money and even borrow money from my dad and can't even return it back just like what he said or told me

a family that can't even afford to fix the house , fix the basement and do nothing about backyard

a family think they have to have just like everybody else and never enough or look back at what he could make to fulfill what he wants

yes-- that's my fuck up family

i can't say that i am not a good know- how to spend money

i have really bad weakness with shoes especially boots

i have a lot of them and yes, i have only 2 feets

i have tons of clothes that i don't even wear and yes, i have only 1 body to wear things in a day

i have ton of book that i maybe only read once or maybe just few pages and put down

but everytimes i got mad, i just go spend his money or my money if i have some --

the more, i bought- i more i even feel bad in myself and yes- it didn't really stop me to not mad at them

anyway i hate that i don't have ajob right now and all i can think is leave the house - stay here as less as i could

do what im supposed to do and leave

im glad that i have gym membership so i just spend  time there at least 2 hours a day and just walking around shopping mall then i spend money again even a lot of time i just want to try them on

i found friend or maybe i could use work friend that only text me when he wants to use me

that sucks! yes--

he wil text me on friday or saturday-- say what's up? wanna party? and then the destinationg is like boone, ames or even his friends' house and all he wants from me is give him a ride home

that's okay for first second time,but he never pays attetion to me or even introduce me to his friends so all i did there  was just sat there, smiling to whoever like a brainless doll

hell no!

i dont think i deserve that - not at all

so im just let it out right here

my family is fucked up and i never want to fix it

all i want is to leave here go somewhere as far as i can

a brat step-daughter that i don't want to give a fuck to

just feed her and leave her

i even tried to do some homework- math and reading with her--

all i hear back is im bored, im tired and im stupid

yes you are stupid and i don't want to give a fuck about it no more

if you choose to be stupid, rackless and be whatever just like everybody else in your family or your school- your choice

im just leave here whenever my time comes and you will be just the stink wind that blow pass me and gone

husband that never care anything at all about me - all he cares is tv, porn and yes back to tv again

don't think i didn't try-- i did,but i just can't fix it if the person have no will to change- i will let it slip and never give a damn about it anymore

i got no friend  here and yes- i don't really looking for one or if i can't find one that fit my need of friend- why do i have to have one that i know that all they want is just using me

i don't need more people to use me more in my life

been 4 years since and things never feel up- always down to hell or maybe even deeper

stress everyday

never happy

why do i want to be here

can somebody tell me?